For the last few days I’ve found myself in an unexpected and unpleasant slump. I can’t explain why, what caused it (if anything) or what it will take to bring me out of it. I usually just realise in a flash that I’m myself again.
Someone close to my heart often says “You can’t be anyone but you”, but for some people it’s not as simple as that. Some of us feel like we have a tiny person inside us who takes over the mood switches in our brain and sets them all to ‘DANGER! DANGER! EXPLOSION IMMINENT!”. At these moments we really don’t feel like ourselves, and at these moments we say or do things, or we give a look to someone that betrays the person we’re trying to be; the nice, affable, helpful, friendly person. At these moments we don’t even like ourselves and it can last for hours, days, weeks or worse. We may be on a knife’s edge and can tumble down into what feels like an endless well of sobs in a nanosecond; into the kind of crying that drains your energy so much that all you want to do is sleep for a week. You don’t want to eat, either. You certainly don’t want to see anyone because you know your eyes will give you away and they’ll ask what’s wrong or, so much worse, they'll try to hug you. This ultimately makes things worse. Hugs should make things better shouldn’t they? Yet at these moments you’d rather scratch out your own eyes than accept a hug.
But this is a happy blog. This is a place for positive thoughts, uplifting stories, motivational ramblings, and babbling from the mundane to the downright insane, just as long as it makes someone smile.
A lovely new friend in the choir recently described me as being a positive person. Am I? Really? I don’t see myself that way so it came as a bit of a surprise. This blog is more than just somewhere for some nice things amongst all the nastiness that’s so prevalent now; it’s somewhere I can go to remind myself that life’s not that bad really, as long as you know where to look.
Every last one of us takes things for granted, whether it’s the love of a partner, health, or even just the fact that on a bank holiday in the UK it will rain. Especially if you’re on holiday. If you’re on holiday in a tent it’s pretty much guaranteed.
So what of those tiny, seemingly insignificant things that we so rarely notice? There are things we experience every day to which we never give a second glance or a considered thought. These are the things that help to make every day that bit more enjoyable (and for some, bearable), but if we don’t take the time to notice them they’re gone in an instant. Moments like this are lost forever; moments of beauty, relived memories, opportunities. Gone.
I don’t claim to be any kind of expert in anything at all. Really, nothing. I’m a jack of all trades, master of none, and that’s fine. This, however… this is important. This helps us smile in moments when we need it the most and sometimes in moments we never anticipated, and that makes them even more special.
So in the spirit of my own words, I sat here today and considered what in the last few days, amid all the turmoil in my head, has made me feel good.
The smell of chlorine when I walked into the swimming pool this morning. I haven’t been for a couple of weeks, partly down to laziness and partly my body complaining a little too much. This morning I walked from the changing rooms towards the pool and I felt the growing warmth of the water, then suddenly there was the smell of the chlorine. It made me feel safe and comforted, like someone had wrapped a huge fluffy towel around me and was hugging me. It surprised me, because I didn’t know it could make me feel that way, which just made me sigh and smile contentedly to myself.
The warmth of the sun on my skin and the cold, biting wind. At lunchtime today I went for a walk around the perimeter of the hospital, something I do often if for nothing else to blow away the cobwebs, regain some perspective, and in rare cases calm down. It's a little piece of free therapy as well as an extra mile's worth of exercise. Today has been beautifully sunny (for the most part), and lunchtime was glorious. There was also a biting cold wind, and for the whole of my walk I revelled in the contrasts between the two. My skin doesn't take kindly to the sun, even when protected, but today I didn't notice. It was wonderful; the springtime warmth of a sun we almost forgot was up there, together with gusts of sharp wind that hurt my fingers. I could've stayed out there all day.
The first stretch of the day. I spent a lot of years not being able to stretch properly when I woke up because my back would lock out so easily. It still does sometimes, and my trepidation when it comes to a bloody good morning stretch is now just another survival technique. Except this morning, when my body took over and my brain didn't have time to yell, "Whoa! Wait! Nooooo! You'll hurt yourself!". Oh my goodness, I felt like I hadn't stretched like that for years, and it's entirely possible I hadn't. There really is no mistaking; a good morning stretch perks you right up!
The sound of the air bubbles when I'm swimming underwater. Sometimes it catches me off guard and I stifle a little giggle. It reminds me of blowing bubbles in my drink when I was a kid, and the mock disapproving look from Our Mam. How could that not make me happy?
Scratching away an itch. I don't need to elaborate. It's a blimmin fabulous feeling!
The feeling of pure abandon when lost in the singing of a favourite song. For me this usually happens in the car, because apart from with the choir it's the one time I can really just let it rip. Oh, it's fantastic. I even stopped caring what other drivers think. If they look at me bemused or laugh, well at least they're smiling. If they turn their music on and do the same and start singing, again they'll be smiling. I still have moments of being self conscious, but most of the time I don't care anymore. Let them laugh if they want; I'm having fun!
Feeling and hearing my stomach growl from hunger. Don't get me wrong, this isn't deprivation-type hunger. It's just normal "I'm very ready for my lunch now, thank you very much" hunger. I spent a lot of years not feeling that because let's be honest, I ate too much! When I feel it now I like it. It reminds me I'm doing something good for myself. Then I go and eat, and everything tastes so much better than it used to. I savour every mouthful in a way I never did before.
Having someone say they love me even though I've been a pain in the backside. When my moods hit me, like for so many other people, there's always one person I know will say they love me and mean it. Many people think it, yes, but few say it. Even fewer say it so often that you start taking it for granted. In a moment of sad today, I stopped taking it for granted and it lifted me so much higher than I thought I could be in that moment. Don't underestimate its power. When it's said without agenda and straight from the heart there's nothing more wonderful than those few little words, regardless of the language in which it's said.
These are only a few things that made me smile recently. I could go on forever, but you all need to go and do the ironing or watch Masterchef, so I won't bore you with them for the moment. One day I might tell you a few more, perhaps when I need reminding myself that life doesn't have to be sad, frustrating, irritating, stressful, difficult or full of sorrow.
I try my best now to take notice of what's around me and how I feel about the little things. It helps me stay focussed on the positives. Even though the first part of this post didn't sound like it, I'm smiling now. I was smiling on my lunchtime walk and when I went for my swim. I was smiling when I was singing at the top of my voice and when I finally got rid of that darned itch! And I'm absolutely smiling now!
Take some time. Concentrate on the sensations, the smells and the tastes you take for granted every day. I promise you'll smile more often. You will.
Tonight I ate a home-made meringue like mum used to make, and with every spoonful I got closer and closer to the family BBQ's where anyone who wanted could just drop by. And there, right in from of Our Mam, alongside a tower of waiting empty bowls was the giant pavlova filled with cream and summer fruits, and by god did I ever smile at that memory!
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