He doesn’t remember it, but on one gloriously sunny day at a barbeque at dad’s, a half-cut uncle nudged me and said, “You’re a bit bloody miserable on Facebook aren’t you?!” I sat there stunned for a second then began to defend myself. I didn’t think I was being particularly negative; I was simply putting a few thoughts out there. Or that’s what I believed at the time. I read back over a few months of status updates and gradually realised with horror that he was right; I was miserable. Almost every update was depressing. That day I vowed to lighten the frig up! I mean, we all have our problems, right? We all need support and a friendly ear to listen sometimes but at some point I’d lost the joy in my life and I hadn’t even noticed it happening.
That day was a long time ago, probably more than two years, and even now I occasionally kick myself when I post anything that seems like self-obsessed, depressing crap. I’m a little harsh on myself, I know, and that spans most aspects of my life. It’s a hard habit to break after so many years. When I mentioned this to my sister recently she suggested that I’m only human, and we all need support sometimes. I know that posting a few updates that amount to “I feel sad” isn’t something I should feel obliged to apologise for, and yet the urge still comes over me and I can’t help myself.
When I first started this blog in March 2013 it was to try to counteract the increasing negativity and nastiness on the internet and in the world around me. After my own little revelation and having finally grown accustomed to focussing more on the positive and happy things surrounding me, I grew tired of reading other people’s status updates, tweets and articles that were depressing, angry, cruel, inflammatory, gratuitous and… well just complaining for the sake of it, and too often about things that haven’t happened yet and might not even happen at all.
Lately I’ve realised that the blog is beginning to morph into an extended status update, and there are times that I’ve posted about things that have or are happening to me perhaps as a method of working through it. All too often I don’t realise I feel a certain way about a problem until I write it down, and I’ve written poems, fiction, articles, reviews and streams of consciousness since I was 11 or 12 years old. For me writing is cathartic; a valuable tool that helps me to gain perspective and find my way through problems when I either feel I don’t have someone to turn to, or don’t feel comfortable discussing whatever the heck is getting me down.
It’s true that when I post on the blog about such things that I try to turn it around into something positive, but it doesn’t always work. Now I think it’s about time this H.A.P.P.Y. blog returned to its roots. It’s time to look on the bright side again, to look for the good, the positive, the happy and sunny, the silver linings. It’s also time to create more!
Months ago I booked my ticket to go see 366 Days of Kindness and I’d been looking forward to it ever since. It’s a show about one woman who, after the London riots in 2011 vowed to do one act of kindness every day. She wanted to make the world a nicer place and by the end of last night’s show I truly believe she has and will continue to do so.
Listening to her reasoning behind her decision I realised that we’re not so different. I’ve harped on about doing random acts of kindness over the last couple of years. It’s true that I never made the decision to do one thing every day for a stranger, and if I had a hat I’d take it off to Bernadette Russell, the lovely lady who made it her mission to brighten someone’s day every day for a year. She has more strength and ingenuity than I, and most certainly more money considering how much she’ll have spent over that time purely on her acts of kindness!
I’ve never made the decision to specifically make strangers smile rather than family or friend; I only made the decision to try to make people’s lives a little nicer regardless of who they are. I don’t have a lot of possessions and I like it that way. I choose not to be surrounded by ‘stuff’ for the sake of it, so grand, expensive gestures just weren’t going to feel right. I also don’t have a lot of money to burn, so at least half of the things I do for others don’t involve buying things, and when I do spend money it’s not usually much. Here are some of my examples.
· Yesterday I was in the WRVS shop where I work and I saw the fingers of Fudge on the shelf. I instantly thought of an ex-colleague and friend who so often bought them for himself at lunchtime, so I decided to buy one and I posted it to his new workplace with a short note just to say hello, I thought of you today and wanted you to enjoy this.
· Again yesterday, not at all planned, at the end of 366 Days of Kindness I wanted to buy Bernadette’s wonderful book for my nieces but didn’t have enough money. Then I remembered that I had a little chocolate egg in my bag from earlier that day. It was to be my treat at the end of the evening, but instead I gave it to Bernadette. Just because.
· On 20 March both this year and last (International Day of Happiness), I wrote letters or cards to family and friends to say how much they’re appreciated and loved. Sometimes it was only a few words to remind them of their strength and courage, their capacity for spreading joy to others or to simply say, “Thank you for being you”.
· Sometimes when I park the car I put some extra money in the parking meter so the next person can get free parking.
· I randomly leave small treats (usually chocolate, because who doesn’t love chocolate?!) in the staff room at work with a note for someone, anyone, to take it.
· When I’ve finished reading a book I enjoyed but know I’m unlikely to read again, I’ll attach a note asking someone to take it home and enjoy it, then to pass it on to someone else. I’ll leave the book in a public place; a coffee shop, a changing room or a park bench for a random stranger to find.
· Sometimes I bake cakes and pastries for people. I’ll take them to work or choir and just leave them on a table for people to help themselves.
These are all small gestures aimed at simply making people’s day a little brighter, and they cost very little. But there’s something else I do that costs nothing. When I first made the decision it was about a shift in attitude and it took some discipline most of the time, but it became easier and easier until it’s now mostly a natural way to be. I do still have to pinch myself occasionally as a reminder, usually when I’m having a bad day, but most of the time it’s simple…
Regardless of who I’m faced with; who’s serving me at a supermarket till, who’s crossing the road ahead of me, who’s sat at the next table in the coffee shop, who’s passing me in the corridor at work, who’s forgotten to say thank you when I held the door open, who’s taken the last caramel slice, who’s just nipped in and taken my parking space, who’s let the door slam in my face, who’s jumped the queue, who’s driving right up my bumper like they own the road, who’s shouting obscenities from car windows, who’s slamming doors and arguing at 2am while I’m trying to sleep… 1…. breathe… 2…. 3… 4…. breathe…
Sigh…
All of these people have their own lives and their own problems. They have illnesses and money worries, they’re lonely or can’t find five minutes peace, they’ve just been dumped, they’ve lost a family member or a pet, they’ve fallen out with family or friends; every person we pass in the street and every person behind closed doors has their own story. Some stories are more heart-breaking than others, but none will be free from worry and stress.
The person who forgot to say thank you when I held the door open might have been thinking their way through a problem at work. The person who jumped the queue might be running late to catch a bus to go visit their partner or child in hospital. The person shouting obscenities could be insecure and bullied into it by their ‘friends’. The person who’s taken my parking space might be so desperate for the toilet that they’re about to make a huge puddle in their car. The person who’s driving up my bumper like they own the road is a bully regardless of what problems they have, and I will always… ALWAYS… drive slower. Hey, don’t judge me, we all have our limits!
So my decision was to remember that however I feel, the person beside me could feel worse and who am I to add to their irritations and stresses? This is especially true when I’m at work. I work in a hospital so the likelihood is that as many as half the people I encounter are patients or visitors, so yes their problems are certainly bigger than mine! Instead of being grumpy I try to remember to smile, even just the hint of a smile as I walk down the corridor at work, or down to the local shops. When I say good morning I try not to mumble and I’m as cheerful as possible. I make the effort to smile at strangers. I offer my seat to people who look like they need it more than me. I do this and more not only for them, but for me too. Being nice to someone whether a stranger or a loved one has its beneficial effects for both parties. I always feel more positive about myself and my life when I’m more generous in thought and deed towards others.
Being nice is infectious. The person who picked up the book I left behind in the coffee shop might have read it and passed it on, just as I’d hoped. They might have even done the same with one of their own books.
Interestingly and unexpectedly, my life changed the moment my outlook on life and other people changed.
When I was posting the miserable Facebook updates I was living with my dad and digging my way out of a lot of debt. I was unhappy and comfort eating. I had no confidence and was always the first person to insult me. I was (happily!) divorced but depressingly dependant on my dad. I hid myself away in my bedroom with my computer. I was constantly in pain with my back and increasing health problems.
Now I live on my own and have no debt. I don’t even have a credit card. I’m happy and eat (mostly) healthily. I lost more than 6 stone, and although I did put some back on over the last year it’s starting to come off again. I have a lot more confidence and I’m independent. I sing in two choirs, I’ve been on TV (on purpose!) and loved the experience, I applied for the Great British Bake Off (unsuccessfully… this time!), I’ve been on stage putting my heart on the line for my dad, I embrace life with enthusiasm and push myself to try things that scare me a little. I’m still in pain with my back but it’s nothing in comparison to what it was, and through weight loss and increased fitness I’ve significantly improved the symptoms of my other health problems. I’m happy.
This isn’t meant to sound like bragging, I’m only stating facts. I can recognise that the day I decided to make an effort to see life for the good things, to be nice to other people and see them for just people with their own stories and not label them as ‘bad’, to treat people to kind words, compliments, chocolate treats and books, was the day that I began to turn my own life around.
Being kind isn’t difficult. I actually find that being kind to others is easier than being kind to me, and it’s therapeutic.
Sometimes I lose the way a little. Last night while experiencing (yes, experiencing) 366 Days of Kindness I was reminded full force of all of the above, and it’s given me another little push to do more, be nicer, be more generous in my thoughts and actions and live life with positivity and energy, embrace new experiences and be open to new possibilities and people.
Bernadette asks whether we can change the world with kindness. I say we can, absolutely, even if it’s only one person’s world and only for that day, I truly believe it’s worth trying.
Something occurred to me on my way home last night. If the worst thing people can think to say about me is that I’m nice, I’ll be bloody ecstatic!
I hope you can find the time to go to Bernadette’s fab website and visit her on Twitter, I really don’t think you’ll regret it!
http://www.366daysofkindness.com
@betterrussell
No comments:
Post a Comment