Kindness costs nothing

Having had a few down days recently I started to think about ‘niceness’ and how it affects us personally, both for the giver and the receiver.  I had a few moments recently when I’d uncharacteristically snapped at people at work, with various legitimate reasons behind them I might add, but nevertheless the frustration and anger were misdirected.  It gave me no joy to do or say what I did either at the time or looking back on it now.   But we’re all human, right?  None of us are beyond making mistakes, and every emotion we feel is valid to us in that moment, regardless of whether or not the spectator agrees.

What we don’t often consider is that every emotion we feel is capable of being manipulated to such a degree that before we know it, we’ve gone from feeling full of sorrow to enthusiastic about life, and we can do this to ourselves as well as others.  We often try to help a friend in need, and even if we don’t know what to say for those words of comfort, just being there with a smile and a hug can be enough to improve someone’s outlook on a situation that’s getting them down.  We do this instinctively for friends and family, and yet we don’t do it for ourselves.

Being ‘nice’ can be difficult sometimes, especially on those days when we don’t feel quite ourselves.  I’ve been known to force myself to smile and be gracious at supermarket checkouts when all I really wanted to do was snatch my receipt and growl.  It’s not easy but it’s worthwhile making the effort, because even if it feels physically painful to do it (and sometimes it does!), it still makes the other person feel a little better about their own day and their own problems. It may even just make them feel better to realise that through gritted teeth you made an effort for them; a complete stranger, when the previous twelve people didn’t give a rat’s backside.

It’s the smallest of gestures that make the biggest differences to our lives.  Some people think that being nice or generous involves huge acts, lots of money, gifts and elaborate surprises.  Well, not for me. The single, most memorable gesture was from one complete stranger who made my day, and I’ve never, ever forgotten it…

It was my second ever trip to London on my own, and having stepped off the train at Kings Cross my first thought was to find a bathroom!  I already knew where it was, and I already knew that I needed change.  It was only when I looked in my purse that I realised the smallest change I had was £1.  I turned and saw that the machine to give change was out of order.  I took a deep breath, put on a big smile and asked a lady who was approaching the barriers for the toilets whether she could change my pound.  She couldn’t.  She did, however, have enough to just give me the change I needed.  I tried to give her the £1 coin anyway but she refused to take it.

All it took for me to have my faith restored in the kindness of human beings was a smile and 30p.  I never knew her name and I can’t remember her face, but I’ve never forgotten that one small gesture from one kind person in a big, cold city.  The smallest of gestures really do make a big difference.

I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago, and he told me the story of his journeys to work. He always walks to work (a local college), and he quickly realised that he often passed the same people day after day, and they usually just looked like they were aiming to get through their mornings with the least possible disruption.  Understandable, but they were also doing that without a glimmer of joy; trudging along, just waiting for the weekend to arrive.

So he made the decision to smile and say good morning to every person he passed on his walk to work, and this is what he discovered:

Day 1 – People initially looked startled, and they quickly muttered a begrudged return greeting while looking uncomfortable

Day 2 – People saw him approach and were prepared, just in case.  They made a little more effort to say good morning, at least sounding less scared and a little friendlier

Day 3 – People saw him approach and attempted to get their greeting in first, giving a cheery good morning and a nice smile

After a while of doing this; weeks, months, I’m really not sure how long it took, he realised that a small community had formed.  People at the college who didn’t normally communicate with each other were talking about their families, holidays, and so on, with added speculation about who this man was; the man who talks to people and smiles when he doesn’t know them.  They concluded that he’s a nice guy, but perhaps a bit odd because of this unusual interaction with strangers.

His actions had led to people communicating with each other in a way that even he hadn’t expected.  All he did was smile and say good morning to each person he passed, but it was enough to make them open themselves back up to the world and face their days with an extra little bit of joy, amusement and expectation.

It really doesn't take much other than a little effort to make a positive difference to someone's day.   What you perhaps may not have considered is that not only does it make other people a little happier, but it can have the same affect on the person doing that small good deed or act of kindness.  I took a walk along the promenade before work one day, and with my friend's words in mind I smiled at more and more people as we passed each other.  I'm confident that most of those people wouldn't have smiled first, but they returned them without hesitation.  One lady gave me a big, beaming smile and as I passed I chuckled to myself, partly because I didn't expect to see such joy on anyone's face before 7 am on a weekday, but there it was and it lifted me right up!

Now, I'm not saying that we should live our whole days trying to make others feel better about themselves and their lives, I'm only saying it would be nice to even just try to be nicer towards one person each day.  It might be a big, beaming smile.  Perhaps an anonymous little gift (I've been known to send chocolate bars to colleagues through internal mail).  Maybe even, after collecting your car parking ticket, putting enough in the machine for the next person to get free parking.

There are so many things we can do and they don't need to cost a penny.  Sometimes it just takes a little imagination, other times it just takes a kind word and a smile.  Tomorrow, why not try complimenting a stranger?  You could hold a door open for an extra beat or two for another person to come through.  Why not hold back from driving bumper to bumper in heavy traffic, and actually let someone out who's been sat waiting at a junction for the last five minutes?

These things will make you feel better.  They really will.  Consider too that the person for whom you've just done or said something nice is more likely to pass that on to someone else, all because someone unexpectedly made them feel valued.

We all have our bad days, of course we do, but we can turn them around into okay days, or even good days, just by being a little nicer and opening ourselves up to others.

Communities don't thrive on misery, negativity and selfishness, they thrive on kindness, support and a sense of belonging.  If you can help to foster positive relationships amongst a community, however large or small it may be, why wouldn't you?

I heard it reported recently that as a nation we're the happiest we've been for decades.

Let's prove it.