Almost every year around this time I get a little more snappy or voice my opinions a little more forcefully than usual (More? Really? Yes!). My dislike of Valentine's Day doesn't stem from spending most of them alone despite how that may come across. I had a ten year relationship and six year marriage, and for a few years I long-distance dated a truly lovely Dutchman (and let's not forget the occasional short lived boyfriends), and yet in the last 25 years only once has anyone got this day right.
I still have one rosebud, dried of course, from the stunning bouquet of red roses that unexpectedly arrived from across the water three years ago. This isn't just sentimentality, nor is it a token of desperate fantasy that the relationship can be rekindled. This is about remembering that sometimes someone will just get it right. Completely out of the blue people will surprise you. They can appear from nowhere and take your breath away, and that's definitely something I want to remember!
But tonight during choir it was brought to my attention, albeit in a fun teasing way, that I'm a tad angry about 'V-day'. Cheers, Mr M! I don't mind. I can't mind; it's true! And yet for the most part I strive to be cheerful, to find the good things in life, to notice the beautiful and recognise the generosity in other people. So how can I turn this around?
Yesterday I returned two tickets that I won for a 'V-day' screening of Ghost at the fabulous Stockton Arc, because as tempting as it was I couldn't bring myself to go alone. It wasn't a depressing thought, I do things like this on my own all the time, it was more the knowledge that I'd feel uncomfortable. To many people I appear confident and bubbly, but truth be told deep down inside I'm still the shy wreck I was at 15, I'm just very practised at hiding it now!
I could treat 'V-day' like any other and do nothing at all, but most women (and a lot of men) have to admit that deep down we still feel a little sad or unloved. So instead, this Friday, I shall be loving myself.
Bear with me!
I don't feel obliged to book an expensive restaurant. I don't feel pressured into buying a gift for someone that he probably isn't that bothered about receiving (teddy bears with hearts, anyone?!). I don't have to give a back massage until my fingers ache. I don't have to share chocolates and watch while he takes my favourite, pretending it's okay. I don't have to compromise on the DVD I watch. I could go on...
I don't need validation from anyone that I'm special, although it's been pointed out many times while surreptitiously dialling Roseberry Park! Someone posted a message on Facebook a few days ago that said, "If you're alone on Valentine's Day, remember no one loves you the rest of the year either." Wow. Cheers. Um... I know it's meant to be humorous, but really? Kick us folk while we're down, why don't you?
Well, regardless... I love myself! I will love myself every day of the year even when I'm being a cow, and I will especially love myself on 'V-day'!
I will get any take-away I want and devour it all myself.
I will watch any TV programme or DVD I want, and keep ownership of the remote.
I will eat my favourite chocolates.
I will buy myself flowers.
I will randomly watch the new Cadbury advert just because he's my new strange crush and it makes me smile.
I will keep all the duvet to myself and wake up the next day knowing that at least I don't have someone else's morning breath to deal with.
Will I still have moments feeling slightly sad? Yes, probably. Will I let it depress me or make me angry? Nope.
I love my life and who I am, and I know that one day someone else will, too. In the meantime I shall love myself and be proud of who I am.
So to anyone else who's facing 'V-day' alone...
Stuff the rest of the world just for one day. Go ahead, people; love yourselves! Just perhaps avoid doing it in public, yeah?
