A Question of Identity

We don't think about our identities very often, do we? We choose how we dress and somewhere niggling in the back of our minds we have an idea of how we want to be perceived by others, but we don't usually act out of conscious decisions. We just 'do'. We already know who we are, we don't need to think before we act.

In the last two years my identity has changed. My whole outlook on life, the universe and everything has shifted off sideways in a kind of tipsy, happy, huggy kind of way and I'm much happier because of that, as I'm sure are those people around me who had to cope with the miserable, pessimistic version of me for so many years. But I didn't sit there one day and think, “I want to change. Who do I want to be now?”

The last week, however, has seen me look a lot more closely at myself; my actions, my outlook, my physical appearance, how fit (or unfit) I feel, where I want to be, what I'm prepared to do to get where I want to be... it's all quite exhausting, really!

Yesterday I took bleach to my hair (yes, yes, the stuff that's meant for hair!). I'm not sure what I hoped to see looking back at me in the mirror when it was all washed out, but I did see what I expected; a whole lot of blonde and orange and left with a scalp that requires a few days of recovery before attempting a cover-up. And tomorrow I need to go to work.

My own reactions have been mixed; laughter, desperation (maybe I can use the other colour anyway!), resignation. I was even nervous of dad's reaction. Having last seen me with dark red hair, the last thing I needed was for him to think there was an intruder in the house or have a coronary! Resignation is the one that's stuck with me, though. I did this to myself, deep down I knew what the result would be, and after all... it's only hair.

It's only hair.

That right there is what made me start thinking about identities. It's not only hair at all. It's one of the ways we define ourselves, especially for women (although admittedly men are coming into their own in the area of personal grooming!). My hairdresser said to me yesterday that some people just aren't meant for long hair, and I agreed, perhaps because I know I'm one of those people. It only took me 38 years to figure it out. Walking down the high street yesterday I clearly remember seeing the people not meant for 'conventional' appearance, some not meant for being alone, some for whom a smile seemed to have been invented and who make the world so much more pleasant.

Our identities are more important to us than we realise, at least until something happens to tear it down into pieces. My orange hair is nothing, it's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. It will grow back, I'll change the colour again and all is well. Identities... people... are shattered by so much more. People lose their sight or their hearing, they lose limbs, they become incapacitated through illness, women have mastectomies, men have orchiectomies and the world keeps on turning, but to those people how they view themselves physically, emotionally or both is changed forever whether they consciously think about it or not. We hear of people being strong in the face of adversity and at the same time the person next door is falling apart. Is that a conscious decision? Does it matter? Regardless of how they came to be the people they are, their actions, words and appearance are theirs. We only spectate on the pieces of their world that they're willing to let us see. Although some of us try to be involved we're only ever as involved as they allow.

In the past week I've spent time with so many people and so many different personalities. I've been saddened with bad news from a colleague and friend, lifted by so many other colleagues and friends, old and new, frustrated by acquaintances, irritated by a rare few, and given absolute joy by people who while facing negativity chose to laugh, smile and sing with extra vigour. These are the people I salute, and the people against whom I measure myself, if only in a small way and only when I remember!

I make my decisions much more consciously now than I ever used to. When faced with negativity or bad attitude I returned it without a thought to what was behind it in the first place, and it never made me feel any better for giving as good as I got. Now? If someone talks to me negatively I respond with extra kindness and positivity. If I'm greeted with hostility I return a sweeter greeting and soften my voice. I do these things consciously; partly because I feel calmer when I do, but also because I don't know what, amongst the negativity and hostility, is happening in that person's life that I can't see.

It's all part and parcel of my identity. Seen or heard, it's all just me. Tomorrow I'll plaster a smile on my face and hope that by doing so, I'll feel better about being accidentally ginger and let others laugh with me instead of at me. Even now I'm wondering what on earth in my wardrobe I can wear that won't clash! The answer is probably nothing. So then, suck it up girl and get on with it!

Tomorrow I'll also consider that with each person I meet they have their own important, private stories, and that their identities, consciously chosen or not, are theirs. I won't judge, but I will think about how I respond. I'll treat everyone equally and I'll be as kind as I can possibly be (without being creepy, cuz you know... there's a limit!).

There's one person out there who comes to mind, and his first piece of advice to a ten year old boy when he met his hero was to be nice. Two months later he proved that he practices what he preaches, and that same ten year old boy is the proud owner of a personally hand-written letter meant just for him.

Whatever else you do tomorrow, be nice to someone whether you think they deserve it or not. And if you see me walking down the corridor and think, “Oh crap, it's like she's wrapped her head in a peach!”, feel free to say it or not, but please... if you say it, say it nicely!

Thank You For The Music

It was only as I was sat here this morning drinking my second coffee of the day that I realised just how large a part of my life music has become.

I've always loved music, of course I have. I think it would be difficult to find someone out there who doesn't love at least one type of music. I have my favourite artists and they've changed over the years as I've matured, but those lost as favourites will never be considered any less important to the memories of my distant adolescence. It may not have taken me long to realise that Jason Donovan's songs were bland and lacking any emotion and soul, but hearing one of those terrible songs now still transports me back to another world; my younger world of new loves, nicking out of school at lunchtime to avoid school dinners, first kisses, school exams and 2-for-a-penny Mojo's.

Anyone who knows me well knows of my love of David Bowie. I first took him seriously when I was 15 years old. I saw Labyrinth at a special repeat screening at the cinema a couple of years after its release. Admittedly my primary reasons for giving his older music a listen were the tights and make-up, but something in his voice that day gave me goosebumps and it had never happened before, and rarely since.

My first experience of Bowie's real music (not the pop/mainstream stuff of the 80's) was when I borrowed Aladdin Sane from someone for whom I used to work. I felt honoured that I was allowed to take this beautiful vinyl album home and listen. When I got home I went straight to my room, closed the door, put the needle on that most wondrous spinning disc full of promise, and when the music played I felt elated to have discovered him. I even felt slightly nervous because, quite frankly, was I supposed to like this? The disjointed, erratic but still melodious style of piano that Mike Garson played was completely alien yet absolutely right. To this day I hear the album and I'm back in my old room, feeling excited and scared and ever so chuffed with myself for finding this musical genius!

David Bowie – Aladdin Sane

Since that day my mind has been a lot more open to bands I've never heard of and to those that peers and/or society told me I shouldn't like, whether it be down to my age or my other musical tastes. Over the years I learned to accept that in order to fully enjoy the music I choose I need to stay true to myself. It meant that at the age of 33 I finally admitted I love jazz, and now my iPod is full of Ella Fitzgerald, Stacey Kent, Eartha Kitt, The Puppini Sisters, Caro Emerald, Louis Armstrong, Slim Gaillard, all alongside such greats as Foo Fighters, Dolly Parton, Jace Everett and Paloma Faith. My music taste is eclectic, but it's mine and I make no apologies or excuses, and nor would I expect you to explain your music tastes to me.

Eartha Kitt – C'est Si Bon

Foo Fighters – The Pretender

Paloma Faith – Just Be

But things change. It seems that music starts to lose its significance with us as adults to some degree, and certainly for some more than others, and I had no idea it had happened to me until recently.

For some people music does remain an essential part of their lives, whether it's playing an instrument or living each day with a soundtrack to their lives running through their heads. Some of us don't seem able to walk five minutes down the street without mp3's blasting straight into our ears.

For me, however, music had started to become a background noise. It was always there and always heard, but I stopped really listening. Then I joined Stockton Town Choir back in January and my focus shifted more significantly that I realised. In fact it took six months for me to see its significance and importance.

The background noise of music was suddenly right there in front of me. It was surrounding me, pulling me in, and I was suddenly being hugged by a huge warm and comfy blanket of “welcome home”. I was comfortable and happy from the first day, albeit I was a tentative singer for a while. Now, though, it's a part of who I am and it's brought even more music to my life than I ever thought possible.

The community that both surrounds and is the choir is phenomenal. I've made a lot of friends who would never have been part of my life otherwise, and on top of that I've been introduced to more and more music and it's returned the passion I'd previously lost.

There are musicians, bands, individuals and moments that I will never forget...

The enthusiasm, passion and drive of Mike McGrother who leads us into fun, challenging performances in the unlikeliest of places.

The goosebumps that so rarely happen when I listen to a singer returned on our big rehearsal night for #smile at Stockton Riverside College. Joe Hammill stood, one single voice in one large room full of people, and he sang so hauntingly beautiful that I could only listen while a lump formed in my throat. To this day I'm not sure how I remembered to sing. Then the terror and joy of us all performing with him (and others) on Stockton High Street!

#smile

The introduction of new bands like Fake Major and Cattle & Cane, who I knew instantly should already have sky-rocketed to fame and fortune; those who lose themselves in their music and make you forget, for a short while at least, that anything exists outside of that moment, in that room, with those melodies and voices.

Fake Major – Little Researcher

Cattle & Cane

The sheer joy of watching Infant Hercules (the male voice choir also led my Mike McGrother) grow in solidarity, strength and harmony over three months. Their performance at Saltburn Theatre with the Wildcats of Kilkenny was perhaps beyond any expectations they even had of themselves. It was powerful, beautifully so, but also carried with it warmth and pride, and I can recall no finer performance from those gutsy blokes!

 

Infant Hercules @ Saltburn Community Theatre
 

I've been mesmerised by the incredible musicianship of Gordie MacKeeman and his Rhythm Boys. What they can do with a double bass, a couple of guitars, a banjo and a fiddle is something very special. Add to that the lively and highly accomplished level of tap/clog dancing and the whole room was blown away.

 

Gordie MacKeeman and his Rhythm Boys

I've had inspiration thrust upon me by watching talented, enthusiastic musicians play, to the point where I once again picked up my cello and attempt to make some kind of acceptable noise that doesn't make dogs bark and babies cry.

There have been many, many moments of joy, goosebumps and feelings of solidarity with both old and new friends, and old family members (sorry dad!), but to list them would be to bore you rigid.

My point for this post isn't that 'choir is great, everyone should try it', because that would just be daft. It was and continues to be right for me, and I'll keep going as long as I possibly can. My point is about the music itself and what it can give you.

I spent a lot of years taking very little notice of the music that surrounded me, and because of that I lost some of the joy in my life. Open up your ears and your minds, listen to bands you don't know anything about, try music you never expect to enjoy, and all the while listen... really, really listen...

Try telling me that you don't have a song that instantly lifts your spirits and makes you smile. I know somewhere in your collection there's one that brings tears to your eyes despite you not knowing why. There's a song there, too, that makes you feel comforted. And don't forget the one that makes your adrenalin pump faster and harder until your lead foot makes you speed down the motorway faster than you know you should.

Music is everywhere. We have so many songs on our players now that we can barely choose what we want to play. When you do finally make a choice don't forget to listen to it, enjoy it, appreciate it, and let it speak to you, enrich your life and make your world even more special.

And now, for the finale...

 

The Big Lunch 2013 & good vibes

Did you know that yesterday, Sunday 02 June, was The Big Lunch?  Were you aware such a thing existed?  Did you realise that anything was happening in your area?  Well, something was and it was fabulous.

First, everything you need to know about this national event is here but in a nutshell, "The aim is to get as many people as possible across the whole of the UK to have lunch with their neighbours once a year in a simple act of community, friendship and fun."

Well, what fun we had!

There was wonderful (very) spicy food provided by Matty's Bistro, in itself a worthwhile endeavour teaching young people skills that they can go on to develop in paid jobs, and it's been shown that these young people do go on to paid work in kitchens thanks to the work of Matty's Bistro.  I've talked to a couple, too, and I can honestly say they're intelligent, enthusiastic, funny people who absolutely deserve this chance they've been given.  I, for one, will show my support for this in any way I can, even if it's only buying a pie or two when they have a stall in the market on Stockton High Street.  If you see their stall please do stop, buy some pies and have a chat.  You'll be glad you did!

But anyway, I digressed.

The Big Lunch.  Can you believe that Stockton Central Library allowed us in on a Sunday to eat, sing, dance, be merry and cause chaos to their otherwise calm, peaceful lives?  Well, they blinkin' well did, and what an afternoon we had!

Infant Hercules, a male voice choir, regaled us with their rich, harmonious voices.  This was their first proper performance having not been formed all that long ago, but you would never have known it; they were beautifully moving.  It almost made me wish I was a man.  Almost!  I confess that I'd miss shoes and handbags too much.

Events like this are what make me so proud to be part of Stockton Town Choir, as we also joined in with the always impressive Wildcats of Kilkenny, along with Infant Hercules.  I can only speak for myself, but singing We Shall Overcome for so many lovely people and in view of recent events gave me an extra sense of belonging, community and pride in what we were doing.  I do hope it helped a few others, if not everyone else, to feel the same.

The Wildcats of Kilkenny then continued with a few songs of their own in the only way they know how; with fun, laughter, energy, incredible musicianship, audience participation (those poor, poor Yr 6's!), dancing, jumping and just a tiny bit of chaos.



Wildcats of Kilkenny @ The Big Lunch, Stockton Library 2013

Just another little aside here.  It's easy sometimes being part of the choir to forget that Wildcats frontman, Mike McGrother, isn't just a ball of enthusiastic energy.  He's also an incredible musician and infectious performer.  The rest of the Wildcats could be easily overlooked with such a force of nature among them, but as a whole they work beautifully well together and their longevity is testament to this.  I can't remember a time when the Wildcats weren't on the bill somewhere locally, and especially when it comes to events like SIRF and Intro Festival (previously Middlesbrough Music Live) they wouldn't be the same without them.  There are a number of reasons why, after over 20 years, I decided to pick up my cello and attempt to play again.  It was partly because I wanted a new challenge, for something to stimulate my senses, with a desire to re-awaken a passion for something that I used to be reasonably okay at, at least in my adolescent head.  The final push towards my decision was watching the Wildcats, Cattle & Cane, Young Rebel Set and others perform for The Piano two weeks ago both on the high street and in The Storytellers, but especially the Storytellers.  I may not play well (I'm pretty much back to being a learner, after all), but by hell I'm enthusiastic.  I do feel it appropriate at this point to apologise to my neighbours; the cello is not a quiet or subtle instrument and I even make myself cringe!

Anyway, back to business (again).  The Big Lunch was "... to get as many people as possible across the whole of the UK to have lunch with their neighbours once a year in a simple act of community, friendship and fun."  I can say with absolute certainty that this was achieved.  We ate, talked, laughed, sang, danced, and laughed and sang some more.

As Sunday afternoons go in a library, I'd say it's the best I've ever spent.

Should we stop there?  Absolutely not!  A sense of community doesn't have to be a huge gesture involving hundreds of people, as wonderful as it feels to be part of that (and I hope that doesn't stop).  A sense of community can be formed with small gestures of kindness and inclusivity, whether it's taking homemade cakes into work to share with colleagues, taking a few moments to talk to your neighbours or even just smiling and saying hello to people as you walk past.

Take a moment and consider what would make you feel like part of a real community again, and if you can achieve it, do it.  If you need help to achieve it, seek help and do it.  There are more people out there than you think who are eager to make our world a little more pleasant, but you'll never see them if you don't look up from your phone at what's around you, and you'll never hear them if you don't stop, remove your earphones and take the time to listen.

Yesterday I made myself stop.  I (mostly) put away my phone and I watched, listened, took part and had a blast.  Thankfully a few other people took photos and videos of The Big Lunch, and the links are below.  Look, watch, enjoy!

Photos

Video - Wildcats of Kilkenny

Video - Wildcats of Kilkenny - Nellie the Elephant


If you decide you want to be part of Infant Hercules or Stockton Town Choir, take a look below for meeting days/times (though you may want to check before attending, just in case summer holidays/football matches cause alterations):

Stockton Town Choir - Georgian Theatre Stockton, Wednesdays 6-7pm (from about 5:20pm for a bite to eat in Green Dragon Studios)

Infant Hercules - Red Lion pub, Norton, Thursdays from 8pm

A final aside.  This afternoon I was walking down Redcar High Street and was pleased to see one of the shops being refitted ready to open as Re-Loved.  I've never heard of it before, and someone else was asking what it's all about.  Briefly, it's something set up to help young people in the local area but they explain it nicely here.  It's great to see something positive in Redcar for young people, and the guy talking about it (who was also repainting the shutters on the shop) was so passionate about the positive effect it already has.  Redcar's own Mike/Matty perhaps!

I opened my eyes and my ears and found something positive, just like I said could happen earlier (I typed that before I walked out the door this afternoon).  Have a peak outside, it's becoming rather nice out there!